When things get messy I go within. I don’t share much. I don’t blog much. Things have gotten messy. I write in my journal. I read. I spend mass amounts of time in Nature, allowing her strength and healing and peace to infuse into me. That’s where I’ve been, mostly, these past couple weeks.
Just before the Spring Equinox we noticed one of our kitties was having trouble eating. Tigger is all about food. Food and sunshine. We took him to the vet and they arranged to do general anesthesia thinking he may need some teeth extractions. But his teeth were fine. Instead they discovered a mass under his tongue. A few days later we got the results. Cancer. An aggressive form that quickly can grow and spread to the lymphs and lungs. He’s going on 13, but up until recently had been nearly as energetic as he was as a kitten. It was so sudden. We knew that we would have to face letting him go, it was looking like sooner rather than later with how quickly things were progressing.
In the mean time on Spring Equinox my husband went into a meeting about a reorg at his work only to find out that what had been being said was untrue and many jobs were being cut. His position was ending effective June 1st. This will be the fourth time for us facing him losing a job in under ten years.
We had only recently figured out the direction we had been wanting to go. I wrote about that in the post on The Tiny Idea parts one and two. We had started working on the downsizing project, going through things steadily. We had been looking at what steps we may need to take next. We were counting on being able to pay off debt so we could make the big lifestyle changes we were wanting.
The thing is that we have wanted to switch directions nearly every time this has happened, but one thing or another, often inside of us was just not able to do it. We continued on with the same old stuff, the same old lifestyle, the same old issues with finances. So much has shifted in us now that we simply don’t want to continue on that same path yet again. We know how strongly we feel about it and how we are trying to be very open to other possibilities and not give in to old thinking patterns, our own fears or those others may project on us. We’re working on it.
In the mean time I spend a lot of time on the front porch, letting Tigger lounge in the sunshine and cuddle. I take long walks in the woods and sit with the trees and plant allies that are so dear to me. I walk barefoot on the earth in my front yard and soak in the Earth’s energy. I dream. I think. I write. I freak out. I find peace again. It’s part of the way things are when faced with uncertainty, and upheaval. There is excitement and anxiety. There is hope and there is fear. Through it all I breath. I give love to my kitties and receive it. I connect deeply with the Earth and all the beauty of Nature that is unfolding around me as I wait to see how my own life will unfold as we go forward.